The Horror of it All
by Ms.Lax
Summary: Like normal, their love life started at the local park. Yet everything else about their meeting was anything but normal. It was the exact opposite. But where was the fun in normality? SLASH.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own homestuck.

**Warning: **Slash (Dave/John, John/Dave) and Cussing through out the story. Oh, and bad humor.

**A/N:** (to the readers: This is a b-day present note, so you don't need to read this **A/N**)Hey Naomi, the Birthday girl! How you doin'? Since you demanded this I decided to do what you've demanded and make a romance story about a fandom I know nothing about! A romance story, a genre that is really not my forte. Seriously, there is something wrong with you.

This is actually my first at trying Romance like this, and my Humor sucks, and I know _nothing_ about these people. But I did it! It was late and I was in pain most of the time, but I did it god damn it! This was the hardest story I've ever done in my life and I've lived a LONG time. Kinda.

10 pages man. 10 PAGES.

These peeps are probably OOC and Corny, and definitely people that you'd hate but I did it babe! I don't care anymore! It's 10:30 and I can't deal with this shit! It's you're problem now! MWAHAHAHA- *cough hack wheeze* Back to the story:

* * *

It was uncool.

Like really, _really_ uncool.

Dave Strider would never admit that he was sneaking a few, not so obvious peeks at the screen blaring right beside him. It wasn't like he was into those old horror movies or anything, he just had nothing else to do. Or he had forgotten what he should've been doing, but how was he supposed to know if he had forgotten what he had forgotten?

It wasn't his fault that _The Goonies _had bad graphics, and the kid beside him happened to like that kind of thing. But who _wouldn't_ look over some nerds shoulder when they hear music playing on full blast from a desktop that they had brought to a _park_?

Where the kid plugged the desktop wasn't his problem, but the music was and the kid had to really buy some head phones. Cause the movie was starting to disturb his coolness. Unconsciously, Dave started to move closer, his sunglass-ed covered eyes looking at the screen in a more obvious manner.

It was getting to the good part.

* * *

12 hours 48 minutes and 14 seconds.

That's how long the kid had stayed in the park with him, looking at nothing but a horrible horror movie to another. Dave had started to unconsciously move closer to the blue shirt wearer until they were practically sprawled on top of each other. And John Egbert (Dave did not kid, that was his name) didn't seem to mind in the slightest. They had talked and watched movies till the sunset and everyone who had been staring at them had gone to their snug houses. It began to chill, and Dave's stomach started to rumble at the lack of lunch and dinner.

John had been prepared though and took out two blue and red _Snuggies_ from under the bench, using the microwave beside him to heat the popcorn. The kid had gone all out, and if it was cool enough, Dave would have asked him where he got the stuff.

"So what next? _Ghost Busters_ or _Paranorman_?" Came the sudden voice, blue eyes looking straight at him. Dave thought he heard a small thump, thump coming from his heart, where ever it was.

"You asking me? The fuck if I know." Dave grumbled, grumbling the grumble that Dirk had taught him years ago. It was _important_ to know this type of thing, cause fuck math.

Who needed it anyway?

"Well alrighty theeen." John clicked a movie, different from his other two choices and watched, glasses reflecting the screen in front of him.

It seemed like it was going to be a looong night.

* * *

There it was again, the thump, thump that he had heard just a few hours ago. 'I swear, if I'm falling for this nerd I am going to-' Feeling something warm and a bit chapped on his lips made Dave pause in his thoughts, red eyes stared at blue before the latter let go.

"Well, that happened."

Dave didn't know who said that, but he was sure it was probably him.

* * *

"So this bromance thing," John said, getting closer to him with a fail of an eyebrow waggle. "I dig it."

It was the biggest fail of a flirt Dave had ever experienced. But it was fucking Hilarious, capital H and all. (And a bit cute, but Dave was never going to say that to this kind of stranger)

"I swear, if you wrapped me up in this _Snuggie_ for bondage, I will kick your ass."

"Playing hard to ge- Ow!"

The warm blanket wasn't as restricting as he thought.

* * *

Looking at the almost empty park Dave was sure that meeting that Egbert guy was a one night thing. No desktop that probably ran by sun and moon, no microwaves, no _Snuggies _and no John Egbert.

Yeah, that couldn't do.

They hadn't finished _Paranorman_ yet.

Trudging through the streets with his converse scuffling the concrete, Dave walked past the local _Starbucks _and paused before rewinding, face against the stores glass. Inside was a brunette with a nerdy face and an overbite looking at his desktop with an excited expression. From what Dave scene from the mirror behind John, was the movie _Paranorman_ playing out.

Oh hell to the no.

That bastard was watching it without him.

Kicking the doors open like a total bad ass, and probably scaring the elderly with a loud bang, Dave went straight to John, eyes narrowed behind his glasses.

"Oh hey Dave, didn't see you there," John gave a small wave and a dorky smile. "But I definitely heard you."

"Not funny," Snapped Dave as he adjusted his sunglasses that had gone askew. "Now move over."

"I knew you would miss me." Giving Dave the kissy face. Dave, being well, Dave, shoved his face and kicked his legs up on the table.

"Get that dang desktop of yours working and get back to the movie."

"Anything for you love."

The blond felt a strong urge to kick his companion. And there really wasn't anything stopping him.

"Ow!"

* * *

"I dig the whole intimate thing and all but aren't we a bit too close?" John says as he looks at me with those darn eyes. Those darn eyes that are currently looking at me behind those darn glasses that are currently: Shoved uncomfortably near my face.

"This is how we do things all right," I snap, looking for any curious bystanders that would look between the two buildings that made a nice alley for trash and mischief-full teens. "We go in, we buy our shit, then we go out. Problem?"

"We're just going to get a sandwich." John laughed, his breath stinking up my face. Citrus, he fucking hated citrus. "Not a big deal Dave."

"Shut up, until I give you the signal, then we'll move out." Dave says, eyes weary. "The guy that works here is a child creeper."

"And you want our first date there?" John says incuriously, that was more than a little messed up.

"No, I just want to buy our food here." Dave explains, he would have waved his arms but there wasn't anymore space for his exaggerated actions. "That bastards a creep, but a creep that makes good sandwiches."

"It's always the talented people..." John whispers, eyes narrow. "What's my job?"

Dave grins.

* * *

"So not cool," John grumbles under his breath, his hands pulling on the skirt that was going almost above knee level. "This skirt is making me look fat."

He grins at Dave through his fake eye lashes but winces when he feels a small pinch on his thigh. "Hey keep your hands to yourself mister!"

"Oh be quiet decoy," Dave whispers back at him. "I'm the one risking my life to get us a free lunch. Remember, you're name is Johnaka, you're new in the neighborhood and heard that Pete's place was the best in town."

"I sound stupid!"

Another pinch and John wonders why he hung out with Dave in the first place.

"Look, just be nice and don't deny anything, Pete lo-"

Oh yeah, he was hot.

John sighed and put his hands on his hip, looking at Dave in a dreamy fashion, eyes sparkling, hands clasped, and a blush covering his face. His overall look was like some character in a shoujo manga.

"Like spicy ho-"

"What the _fuck_ are you doing!"

"_Ow_!"

This abuse was nearly not worth it.

Nearly.

* * *

The dude here _was_ a child creeper, unfortunately. First step into the shop and 'Johnaka' was quickly given a smile and a thumbs up. As if Pete was saying: Lookin' good gorgeous.

John, being John, decided that this would be his confidence boost and gave the old man a thumbs up too. Pete grinned and scratched his balding head. "What'd you like gorgeous? Everything is on the menu. _Everything_."

John grimaced, the smell of mayo assaulting his nose. 'Oh dear God, make it quick Dave.'

Looking at the man who was eyeing him up and down. John gave a small smile to him, mouth twitching in disgust. "Godspeed Dave." John had whispered. The food better be good. Cause John swore, if he survived for something mediocre, he would snap.

"Why don't I give you a few free peanuts when you think of something, great thinking food they are, you must be new here."

John racked his brain for something Dave had said to him earlier. Something about Pete loving people that deny?

Well that was a good thing wasn't it? John was allergic to peanuts.

"No thank you!" He gave it with the most confidence he had in a skirt. Which was quite a lot for a boy. Yet his confidence dwindled when a nasty grin started to form on Pete's ugly mug.

"Now don't be like that Lass, these peanuts are the best in the state!" Pete leaped over the counter and grabbed a hand full of peanuts, menacingly coming over to John.

"Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God," John muttered, backing up against the wall.

Dave.

Dave!

_DAVE_!

Suddenly the door was thrown open, a blonde boy in a police outfit and a fake black mustache walked through the door that was off its hinges and came up to John, scowl on his face.

"What do you think you're doing to this young girl Pete?"

"D-Do I know you officer?" Said the nervous man, hands twitching.

"Course you do!" Dave shouted, giving off a laugh so fake that a deaf man could make it out. "I'm bada$$303, I'm known everywhere!"

"O-Oh of course, I've heard of you in the papers!" John looked between the two with a deadpan face. What type of dumb ass would fall for such a thing? The mustache was obviously fake! "Oh I was just giving this girl my best peanuts, best in the state! All natural and fresh!"

"You live in a burger joint on the bad side of town, there's nothing natural and fresh about it." Mumbled John. Overhearing, Dave gave a snort before going back to his all out glare.

"It seemed like harassment to me."

"Me harassing kids? I'm not heartless officer! I love kids!" Pete shouted desperately, holding the peanuts in his hand close to his heart. There was nothing more disgusting then an old man caressing his peanuts. Urgh, the mental images. (Did you get them Naomi? Are you _traumatized_?)

"A little too much if you ask me." This time Pete had heard and glared at Johnaka, beady eyes narrowing at the 'girl' as if daring him to speak more. Luckily, Dave had caught the look.

"Doesn't seem like you love brats to me!" Dave says. "I should take you to the court for harassing the girl, course if you give some sandwiches I could let you go..."

"Of course! I'll make some, no I'll make so many my hands would fall off! All for you officer, you good man you." Pete was then on his knees, legs grabbing Dave's trousers in a begging way. 'Ugh yuck.' Dave thought, 'I'll have to burn these later.'

"Yeah, yeah that's great, now go make those sandwiches." Said John in a shooing manner.

Pete glared at the 'girl' and opened his mouth to say a word or two but was then interrupted.

"Good, now get to it. Oh and give me and this girl some free drinks too."

"On it, right away sir!" Once leaving the two alone. John looked up at Dave tearfully, oh how he loved this sonnova-

"Wait, did you wait till the last moment so you could get the sandwiches? I thought you were going to get them when I was decoy!" John shouted.

"Shh, I got some sandwiches and chips in the bag. I just needed some extra, extra."

John grinned at Dave, "I knew there was a reason why I loved you." John smiled leaning closer to Dave's face, their breath mingling together as one-

"Yeah, yeah that's great and all but we've got a shop to go through." Dave was promptly pulled back and a small surprised 'Mmph?!' had sounded against the almost empty shop.

"Don't go leaving me hangin, man."

Dave nodded breathlessly, tripping over his feet to get to the vending machine that was at the other side of the shop. Why did the 5 second walk suddenly seem longer?

John just snorted as he scratched his thigh with his foot, his not exactly boyfriend and not exactly friend tripping all over the place, condiments and tissues spilling over him in waves. It was a total _Instagram_ moment.

Feeling a sudden gust as Dave fell to the floor, John decided that he should wear skirts more often, they were quite breezy.

The thought was then cut out and burned from his mind.

Maybe he shouldn't hang out with Dave so often.

He was starting to catch some of his weirdness.

* * *

The sandwiches were delicious, like they were made from some type of mysterious force that loved to create sandwiches. It was the best sandwich John had ever tasted and he was practically sobbing into his sandwich. If it wasn't made by some pedophile, butt ugly man, then John would have kissed him.

So instead, he kissed Dave instead.

"God you're embarrassing," Dave said while covering his face. "You need to stay cool man, stay cool."

"I don't know anything about staying cool, but I do know how to stay sizzlin' Tsss."

"I swear I will hit you."

"In the face? With your-Okay _ow_! I deserved that one."

"Yeah, you did."

* * *

"You _dance_?" Dave had never put so much question in his sentence before. But looking at the blue nerd with the overbite, he really couldn't believe that this kid danced. Weren't dancers supposed to look flexible and shit? This guy was as stiff as a rock.

"Oh yeah, I'm great at doing the robot."

Typical.

"So you go to a club to do your shit or something?" Dave wasn't really sure why he asked, but hey, boredom hit.

"I go with my friends all the time!"

This guy had _friends_? God, you learn something everyday.

"What do you do there anyway? Jump up and down and act like some hairy monkeys?"

"...Pretty much, yeah."

"Pathetic." Dave snorted, course John was the type of guy to do this.

"Oh just come here and kiss me already."

Well, pathetic or not, he wasn't going to say no.

* * *

"I'm running out of ideas." John had said, while looking at his computers screen. "If you want to re-watch though..."

The two eyeglass wearers were in John's bedroom looking at more supernatural movies that John had gotten on _Netflix. _The best fucking place to ever be made.

"We watched almost everything." Dave sighed, he knew this day would come.

"We could always go to a different genre."

"Chick flicks?"

"This is where the real horror begins." John grinned and clicked on the romance section.

* * *

If anyone looked at John and Dave's faces, then at the computer screen, they would have snapped the door shut as quietly as a ninja. Cause when did two grown boys look at Chick Flicks and cry over them? And corny ones at that.

Dave was sure that he hit his most pathetic point in life, and he blamed it on the person next to him. Well he would've if it wasn't for the fact that he was sobbing too hard to actually say it. Their words had gotten into a garbled mess at the midway point in the movie. Their words coming out like:

This guy-

Dead? What do you-

Mother fu- that is sick!

Those shoes...so much neon.

Why is she bleeding there!?

And a lot more garbled words that started to mix with one another in a beautiful,wet symphony.

Blue and Red decided that they were never going in this part of _Netflix_ again.

They both thanked the Lord in the back of their minds, that they decided to watch Chick Flicks in Johns room instead of the park.

* * *

The two boys were hand in hand, going back to the place that they first met. Slowly and painfully. It was hard to drag a desktop with you in the city. When they had finally gotten to the park though, outrage filled their horror loving hearts.

Another couple had taken up their bench.

After jump scaring them into running away into the incoming traffic, John and Dave had settled in and started to watch movies again. Until a police officer came with his mustang mustache. It seemed like everyone wanted to ruin their date today.

"Excuse me but people have requested for you two to turn the music down."

Before John could open his mouth, Dave had rested his hand on his shoulder in a: Let me handle this manner.

Putting on his own mustache, the same one he used against Pete, he had looked at the police officer with a smile. "Lookin' good today officer! Did you use the new mustache cream the guys were giving out in the office?"

"I've never heard of this from the guys down town, who are you?"

"bada$$303, I'm known back in the South."

"Ah yes! I'm a fan of your work!"

John looked between the two before shrugging and getting back to his movie, none of his business.

After a thirty minute talk between the two officers, the one that interrupted their date had left, star struck. Wait until the boys at the office heard about this!

Looking at John, Dave yawned, stretching his arm around the nerds shoulde-

"Really man? Using the old tricks on me?"

"Shut up and let me be romantic!"

"Alright alright, geez."

* * *

4 years of watching movies together and John had forgotten one little detail.

"You're getting married! To who?"

He had forgotten to tell his friends about his current boyfriend.

"To my boyfriend." He had said with a sheepish glance at Dave.

"Wait you two are together?"

"How come you never told us!"

"I didn't know you went for the home team!"

More shouts and questions and John couldn't help but think that he should have kept the whole thing a secret a little longer.

Maybe after the wedding.

* * *

"Will you John, take Dave as your lawfully wedded-"

"Yeah, yeah, just get it over with pops."

Johns father sighed before throwing the bible aside and giving the teary crowd a 'Forget it, I'm done with all of you' look. "Alright you two, love birds. Kiss, make out, whatever I don't care."

They did just that.

And then went to their room right after their steamy make out session, to watch more movies that John had downloaded as their wedding gift, leaving the unofficial priest and their audience to their own devices. And cake.

They might have gotten married but that didn't mean they had to do everything differently.

Fuck no.

Dave wouldn't trade his movie watching days for the world.

To John, that was the most romantic thing he had ever heard in his life.

Another make out session commenced.

* * *

**A/N:** And that's all I got! Hope you liked it! And for those that stumbled across my story, I hope I didn't blind you by my incompetence too much!

No seriously, I'm not paying for any of your health insurance.

R&R my lovely people!


End file.
